Are Online Doll Communities for Children?

There’s been a lot of discussion about keeping online doll communities safe for children and teens. Sounds great, right? In fact, I take issue with the way this topic is handled and I want to bring some nuance to it.

First, let me be clear: I am opposed to adults directly engaging with children or teens in any way that harms them or makes them uncomfortable. I will elaborate throughout this post but I want this simple statement near the top. There are a lot of adult doll collectors who pair poor reading comprehension with bad-faith assumptions to reach some truly outrageous conclusions; I hope the above bolded statement helps ward them off.

Here’s the relevant background information: there are conversations happening in doll communities about what is and isn’t “appropriate” given these facts:

1. Children like dolls. Dolls are usually marketed towards children.

2. Online doll communities are composed of children, teens, and adults.

These facts have sparked opinion-sharing in American Girl, reborn, and BJD communities on social media sites including Instagram, YouTube, and Tumblr. Doll collectors are interested in protecting child and teen community members from being harmed by adult community members.

This is an important conversation to have. I support efforts to make online doll communities free from predatory behavior. Too many social groups online and off tolerate creepiness and harassment because no one knows how to deal with it (you’ve probably heard of the “missing stair”). Making abusers explicitly unwelcome in online doll communities is a worthy goal. So is teaching children and teens how to recognize abusive behavior, not because it’s their responsibility to avoid abuse but because awareness and empowerment create positive cultural change. I’d like to contribute to this conversation by analyzing it and posing some alternatives to what I see as less-than-helpful attempts to stop abuse.

Unpacking Platitudes and Getting Specific

“Think of the children!” is a thought-terminating cliché. In online doll communities it’s usually phrased “Remember, these dolls are designed for kids!”, “Always keep in mind that young people view your posts!”, or “There are children in this community!” What, exactly, do people mean when they say things like this?

It’s imperative to know that different people mean wildly different things. The general sense is “Don’t do anything that harms kids,” in which case the statement is virtually meaningless: nearly everyone agrees that harming kids is wrong. But there is little consensus on what’s harmful for kids to see and hear. People often lean on vague platitudes like “Think of the children!” because it’s in their best interest to quell further discussion! They’re aware, for example, that “I believe it’s wrong for kids to see openly queer doll characters” will rightly land them in hot water with much of the fandom, or that “I object to American Girl dolls with stick-on false eyelashes” is merely an odd personal quirk. If someone doesn’t specify what they mean by their version of  “Think of the children!”, push them to elaborate! If we really want to protect young people, we need to be clear and willing to engage in discussion about what they need protection from.

Another vague term that gets tossed around in this context is “safe,” as in, “my blog is safe for children.” But what does that mean? As far as I can tell, it usually means “I don’t use swear words” and rarely means “I work to protect marginalized kids from those who would harm them because of their race, immigration status, gender, etc.” Again, I strongly encourage you to challenge people to explain what, exactly, they mean by “safe.”

Making Conscious Decisions About Your Public Content

I have a master’s degree in education but I’m not a schoolteacher. One reason I pursued a different career path is the expectation that teachers lead lives of Puritan virtuousness even when they’re not at work. One of my education professors actually told us not to go to bars because our students’ parents might see us there!

It’s necessary to develop a clear idea of how you view online doll communities. A lot of adults (many of whom are teachers!) view online doll communities as classrooms in which they are responsible for educating young people. Others think of online doll communities as more similar to bars: they’re places to get together with like-minded friends and have fun. What’s your philosophy?

Like it or not, the internet is public. There isn’t a separate “Instagram for old people.” I can’t block the IP address of everyone under a certain age to prevent them from viewing this blog. Does the fact that children and teens can access my Instagram account and blog obligate me to produce child-focused content? Does my obligation increase given that I write about dolls and kids like dolls? (Side note: are men who play with drones or video games or model trains ever urged to consider these potential obligations?) I have strong opinions but no definitive answers. I think it’s best left to individuals to decide how child-friendly they want their personal content to be. I think the level of responsibility to potential child viewers differs from platform to platform. I don’t think it’s reasonable to police other people’s content absent clear community guidelines. Others undoubtedly disagree.

Let’s use the bar analogy to talk about different social media platforms. Instagram pushes “related” content on users who express interest in things the algorithm deems similar, so it’s wise to consider that young teens can easily and unintentionally access your Instagram posts; it’s a bit like a family restaurant. YouTube is similar but less aggressive: if someone is old enough to be on the internet unsupervised, they’re old enough to make sure they really want to watch a video before they let it auto-play; it’s more like a hotel lobby where young people can run around but aren’t supposed to enter the bar area unless they’re of drinking age. A blog is like a private party at a pub: it’s in a public space but it’s obviously not intended for everyone (and neither blogs nor private parties need “keep out” signs to convey this). A private group chat is like a private house party. Drinking is fine at family restaurants, hotel bars, private pub events, and house parties, but you’d probably make different choices about your drinking in different venues, right? I’m not obligated to order apple juice at Grandma’s Diner because there are children at the next table, but I wouldn’t get sloshed and start playing a loud game of Cards Against Humanity, either. I think it makes sense to think about social media platforms in a similar way.

I don’t view any of my social media accounts as classrooms just because kids might happen to be present. Dolls are my fun hobby, not an obligation to perform unpaid care work.

Making Cautious Decisions About Private Interactions

I think one-on-one interactions between young people and adults are different from content posted publicly where young people might see it. Not everyone agrees, obviously.

Some people genuinely believe that all interactions between someone older than 18 and someone younger than 18 are abuse. I’d give that idea a lot more weight if it were coming from actual teenagers: their boundaries deserve to be respected no matter what. But the people I’ve seen espouse it are all adults. I’ll talk about this more when I talk about “rules” but for now I’ll say that safe communities require standards of behavior developed through ongoing self-reflection and critical thought, not simplistic, black-and-white accusations leveled at hypothetical others.

When it comes to one-on-one interactions with young people, you have some choices. One option is avoiding teenagers to whatever extent is possible. If you go this route, you might put “no minors please” in your Instagram profile and avoid following minors yourself. If you have a YouTube channel, you could mention in your standard caption that your videos are for adult collectors and mark them as not children’s content when you upload. I’m hesitant to recommend any other option because this is such a fraught topic but I think if you ever do interact with teenagers, a decent guideline is “when speaking directly to a teen, imagine the teen’s parents are reading everything you say.”

By the way, I’m talking about teens and not children because according to COPPA, anyone under 13 needs parental consent to use social media. (The law talks about “data collection” but it’s almost always applicable to general internet use because you must provide personal information to sign up for a site like Instagram or YouTube.) If you discover anyone under 13 accessing your public content and you can’t tell if their account is supervised by a parent or guardian, block, report, and/or ignore them. Yeah, it’s an American law, but it’s a decent standard.

I don’t agree that friendships between adults and young people are inherently abusive. I’m certainly glad that friends of mine didn’t feel that way when we met during my days as a teenage doll collector. I believe that healthy, age-appropriate intergenerational friendships give young collectors safe people to talk to if they find themselves in uncomfortable situations with other adults. I also think intergenerational connections, like other kinds of diversity, enrich people’s lives. The weird thing is, I don’t think the “all intergenerational friendships are abusive” people actually disagree! I saw one post that literally said “Adults offering to ‘be there for you’ are abusing you” and “If someone creeps you out, talk to me and I’ll help you out!” in the same paragraph. Maybe we’re all operating with different definitions of “friendship” and “be there for you,” but that’s why it’s important to have actual conversations about this topic.

Just Follow the Rules and No One Gets Hurt?

There are whole online communities where people believe that all social ills can be solved with extensive lists of rules. This is a pretty big topic, so be grateful that I’m sparing you a long-winded discussion of political theory and Christian theology here. In any case, this phenomenon is central to the way a lot of doll collectors attempt to lay down the law about interactions between young people and adults. People trying to solve abuse with rules have good intentions. But I think there are a few major problems with this approach.

First, rules have loopholes. For example, although it’s true that the age of majority in most (not all!) countries is 18, no human being magically transitions from kid to adult on their 18th birthday. The almost religious sanctity people assign to the 17/18 divide when making up rules fails still-vulnerable 18-, 19-, and 20-year-olds. Community accountability requires that we protect anyone who is made to feel unsafe regardless of whether or not they can vote in the United States.

While I doubt anyone would disagree with that after giving it some thought, other loopholes feel more intentional. Some voices in this conversation maintain that it’s fine to interact with teens if you’re “mentoring” them. First of all, ugh: as someone who started in the doll hobby as a teenager, I’m forever grateful for the older people who befriended me and treated me like a community member rather than a project. Automatically assuming you have things to teach a young person just because you’re older is pretty disrespectful. Also, this loophole leaves the door wide open for abuse. I’m willing to bet most abusers tell themselves they’re “mentoring” young people; we call it “grooming” but I bet they don’t.

Another problem with the rules I’ve seen is that they threaten to violate the boundaries of adults. For example, one person asserted that all adults must be required to disclose their exact age. I think it’s reasonable to ask that adults mention that they’re adults, but no one owes anyone a number. Adult doll collectors are allowed to set boundaries and retain privacy just like young people.

Finally, reliance on one-size-fits-all rules inevitably exposes hypocrisy. If someone decrees that it’s wrong to post photos depicting dolls kissing but makes jokes about their dolls having sex, or if someone says it’s wrong for doll collectors to “talk about abortion” but is totally okay with publicly condemning abortion, people are going to notice. Accusations of hypocrisy alone aren’t helpful, but we always need to think about where, why, and under what circumstances we believe certain things are or aren’t appropriate. One-size-fits-all rules—especially when coupled with the all-too-common implication that questioning them makes you a Bad Person—shut down discussion instead of opening it up. Mutually-developed community guidelines subject to evolution and open to questioning are great! But mutually-developed community guidelines and long lists of Thou Shalt Nots handed down by an individual or ideological in-group are not the same thing.

Should I Make Different Choices Depending on Which Dolls I Like?

It’s worth mentioning that not all doll communities are demographically identical! BJDs and reborn dolls are designed for adult collectors, and the fandoms for both used to be composed primarily of adults. That’s changing, though! Danny Choo has talked about how many parents are buying Smart Dolls for their children lately, and it seems like contemporary reborn collectors are just as likely to be 10-year-olds as 30-year-olds. American Girl dolls are designed for children ages 8-12, but fewer children play with dolls these days, I hear. On the other hand, an increasing number of teens are into American Girl doll photography. There is a handful of lovely adult people who collect playline baby dolls like Corolle, BABY Born, and Baby Alive, but as far as I can tell, there’s only a handful; the rest of the people talking about these dolls online are parents who buy them for their small children. Different doll communities attract different ages, and my observation is that the median age of every community is shifting all the time.

Is it worth considering fandom demographics when making decisions about your public content? Absolutely! Is there one correct way to be a doll hobbyist on the internet? Nope! Are you going to piss people off no matter what you do? Probably!

Articulate your personal philosophy to yourself, make conscious decisions, err on the side of caution, set boundaries and respect the boundaries of others, challenge vague statements and absolutist assertions, and generally do your best to be a decent, conscientious human being.

Who Is This Blog For, Anyway?

Good question! Easy answer: adults. I could get more specific, but I’ll let you, adult reader, determine for yourself if you’re my target audience. (Older teens are welcome to read, too, if they’re comfortable doing so.) I am likely to swear occasionally, I might mention sex once or twice, and I will definitely bore the fainthearted with critical theory. Read at your own risk and never say I didn’t warn you.