Grifters and Scammers Part 2: How to Protect Yourself

In Part 1, I talked about how to spot grifters and scammers and shared my thoughts on why they do what they do. Today, I’ll address how you can protect yourself from being scammed and what to do if you get scammed.

Do Your Research

Before you do business with someone, look around and see what you can learn about their reputation. Do you know anyone else who’s done business with them and if so, how did it go? Do they have a feedback page somewhere (and does it seem legit)? Keep an eye out for red flags that suggest they’re not who they claim to be or that they’ve been caught scamming before:

• They’re using an account that was created recently.
• They’re asking to conduct a transaction outside the usual channels (i.e. eBay, a buy/sell/trade Facebook group, etc.).
• Relatedly, they claim to have “lost the password to” or “been locked out of” accounts in those spaces.
• You have no mutual followers, despite being members of the same niche community.

Keep in mind that well-known hobbyists can be scammers too, and I’m not just talking about fame-hungry grifters whose whole schtick is trying to get people to give them attention or stuff (they’re kind of in a category of their own). Just because someone has a popular YouTube channel or a long-running blog or a big fan club doesn’t mean they’re honest and trustworthy. Make sure you look specifically for information about someone’s buy/sell/trade reputation.

Set Boundaries and Stick to Them

Easier said than done, I know! But boundaries and policies will help you make decisions and cut through the fog of self-doubt in which grifters and scammers try to trap you. Write your policies down and practice saying them out loud. For example:

• “No, I can only accept PayPal, sorry.”
• “I’m not interested in trades at this time; payment only, please.”
• “I can hold the item for four days but after that I’ll have to offer it for sale again.”
• “I’m afraid I can’t take the item to your house. We agreed to meet at Starbucks and I need to stick to that plan.”
• “Sorry, I can’t do discounts. The price is firm.”

Grifters and scammers will try to make you feel unreasonable for setting boundaries. They might accuse you of being inflexible or unfair. Let them accuse! Boundaries are healthy. They might demand that you explain yourself. Don’t! You don’t need to justify your boundaries to strangers on the internet. Don’t argue with anyone about what you are or aren’t; just stick to your policies. Agreeing with someone who’s trying to violate your boundaries leaves them little room to keep arguing: try “Sure, I am an unreasonable person, and I don’t do holds.” Setting boundaries and policies ahead of time takes a lot of the emotional difficulty out of these exchanges. It’s also probably the fastest way to get rid of would-be scammers: if they see right away that your boundaries aren’t up for negotiation, they’ll move on.

Ask, “What Do They Want?”

Sometimes the answer is blatantly unreasonable and will clue you in right away. For example:

• You sold them an item. They’re sending you angry messages about a flaw that was clearly described in your listing. They want to keep the item and receive a full refund.
• They’ve recently experienced personal hardship and claim that as a result, they’re in need of some totally unrelated thing, like dolls. You recall that there was some tragedy last month, too, and another one the month before that, always accompanied by a hobby wishlist. They want people to send them stuff for free.
• You bought an item from them and they sent you literal garbage. When you tell them you want a refund, they threaten to tell people you’re a scammer. They want your money in exchange for nothing and they want you to keep silent about it.

Other times the answer is less clear, but that itself can be a red flag. For example:

• They said they wanted to buy X. Then they said they actually wanted Y. Now they want X and Y. Or no, wait, Y and Z. For the same price as X if possible.
• They asked how much you’re charging for an item and you told them. Now they’re asking if you’re open to layaway. Actually, a discount. Actually, a trade. And can you ship the item to their mother’s cousin’s boyfriend’s house?
• You sold them an item and they claim it arrived broken. You assure them it was intact when you shipped it and ask to see photos of the item and the box to assess possible shipping damage. They say that actually, it didn’t arrive broken but it broke five minutes after they took it out of the box. Now they want a refund. Or they want you to repair it. Or maybe it would be better if you just sent them an additional item.

In these cases, what often seems to be happening is that the scammer will lead with a bunch of confusing or unreasonable requests, then eventually tell you what they actually want, hoping that it will seem reasonable in comparison to the bullshit they were feeding you before. They might also be hoping you’ll find all their confusing requests exhausting and just offer them money to make them go away. 

Occasionally, people prevaricate, lie, or construct imaginary grievances because they don’t realize they could get what they want by simply asking for it. This might sound weird but I’ve been on the receiving end of it myself, multiple times, although it was always in the context of my jobs and not my hobby.

Document Your Interactions

• Screenshot your chat regularly, especially if you have a feeling things might be about to go wrong.
• Save all email exchanges.
• If you’re selling something, take photos of the item right before you mail it and take photos of the package labeled with the recipient’s address.
• If you purchased something and it’s damaged or not as described, take photos of the package and/or the item right when you get it. Share these photos with the seller immediately and explain your concerns.
• Take photos of post office receipts with tracking numbers on them.
• Be literal and detailed in all your communication, i.e. “Here is a photo of the tracking receipt. I mailed the item at 2:15 PM today. The date, time, and tracking number are here on the receipt.” Then screenshot your message!
• Don’t just have the information yourself; have proof that you shared the information with the other party in a timely fashion.

Take Reasonable Precautions

• I strongly recommend tracking when you’re dealing with someone you don’t know well, whether you’re the buyer or the seller. When I said this in my post about international shipping, some people disagreed with me, but I stand by it. Scammers who buy from you will claim you never sent the item or that they never received it. Scammers who sell to you will claim they sent the item when they didn’t. Tracking protects everyone in situations where you simply can’t know that everyone involved is honest. (Bonus: it helps prevent people from freaking out about the normal delays of international shipping.)
• Always get payment before you ship something! If you’re leaving town to visit family on Saturday and your buyer still hasn’t paid, too bad; they can wait. Don’t let anyone pressure you into sending something for which you haven’t yet received payment.
• Pay Goods and Services. This is another controversial point: for some unfathomable reason, it’s become commonplace for sellers to insist their customers pay their PayPal selling fees by using the Friends and Family option. I totally disagree with this approach. Be very wary of any seller who insists you pay Friends and Family. Most of them aren’t scammers but Friends and Family essentially strips you of all buyer protection, making you much more vulnerable to being scammed.
• It’s okay to decline to do business with someone if your alarm bells are going off. You don’t owe anyone your money or your stuff (not in this context, anyway!).

Escalate If Necessary

Let people know what your expectations and deadlines are. If these expectations and deadlines are not met, take action.

• Often, this simply means declining to do business with that person: “I said I’d need payment by Tuesday and today is Thursday so I’m going to sell the item to the other person who wants it.”
• Sometimes it means getting the relevant third party – eBay, Etsy, PayPal, etc. – involved. Make sure you’re making your expectations clear every step of the way: “Okay, I don’t mind waiting until you get back from your sister’s house on Friday, but I need to see the tracking receipt no later than Friday at 9 PM. If you can’t produce it by then, unfortunately I will have to assume it doesn’t exist and file a claim with PayPal.”

Document these interactions so you have a clear record of what you expected, how you communicated your expectations, and when and how the other party responded. Make sure you understand the criteria that must be met in order to file a claim (sometimes there’s a waiting period, for example). And if you set reasonable expectations that are not met, go ahead and file that claim!

A Note on Being Equitable

As I said above, you can decline to do business with anyone. But please be hyper-aware of your reasoning for doing so. Don’t be xenophobic, cliquish, or bigoted. Apply your policies evenly and don’t hold people to a higher standard for arbitrary reasons. People aren’t automatically unreliable because they don't share your nationality or they’re not winning the online popularity contest or they’re not a member of your secret group chat or whatever. And of course, if you feel that you’re on the receiving end of some unfair scrutiny, feel free to decline the transaction! Your bank account is not a democracy or a charity, and as long as you’re not acting from a place of prejudice, you are free to walk away from dealings with anyone who makes you uncomfortable.

What to Do If You Get Scammed

• If you are positive you’ve been scammed and communicating with the other party is getting you nowhere, take whatever official action is available to you. This usually means filing a claim with the platform that hosted the transaction (eBay, Etsy, etc.) or with the company that managed the payment (PayPal, your bank, etc.).
• Share the facts…and only the facts. Provide any relevant screenshots. Don’t make judgements about the person or discuss what lies you believe they told; simply provide detailed information about your interaction. For example:
• “I asked for payment by no later than Friday, August 20. It is now Thursday, September 9 and I have not received payment. [Name] is claiming in their Instagram stories that I scammed them by not sending something they paid for but I have not yet received payment from [Name] for the item, which is why I haven’t shipped it to them.”
• “I sent the package on Monday, August 30. I shared a photo of the tracking receipt with [Name] that same day. [Name] claims they never received the package and are accusing me in DMs of not sending it. However, the tracking indicates that it was delivered on Friday, September 3.”
• Do share the scammer’s name! Simply include it with the facts (see examples above).
• If you don’t think the interaction rose to the level of scam but you feel taken advantage of, tighten up your boundaries. Revise your BST policies. Decline to do business with that person again, or with anyone who makes you similarly uncomfortable.
• Don't waste your time trying to reform grifters and scammers! They're not worth your time. Nothing you say is likely to get them to change their behaviour. Just block and move on.
• Unfortunately, there’s often no way to get your money or your item back. You’re much better off trying to spot scams before they happen to you.

I hope you found this discussion helpful and I wish you the best of luck avoiding scammers and grifters! Do you have any other tips for spotting scammers and grifters? Any insight into why they do what they do? Suggestions for how to avoid getting scammed? Other steps to take if you’re unlucky enough to get scammed? Please share in the comments!